I seem to be on a kick tonight of finishing up posts that I began a long time ago and just never got around to posting. This is one from when I first moved back to D.C.!!
I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with the term “B&T,” which, in proper Manhattan form, is pronounced “bee-EN-tee.” The Washington, D.C., equivalent to a proper B&T is also called a B&T, but my dear friend Phil and I have reformulated it to mean “bus and train.” Now, let me be the first to clarify that within the District of Columbia, I ride buses and trains every day. In fact, it would be functionally impossible for me to live my life without the Red Line or the No. 42 bus. Hurrah, public transportation. The problem, of course, is that there are those who live in MD and VA who, for whatever reason, think that although they work in D.C., coming to the city to party is a neat road trip, and of course, behave as obnoxiously as the girls who go wild in New Orleans on video.
Surely, you know the type.
The guys: collars popped, expensive sunglasses on their baseball caps, prematurely and unnaturally aged blue jeans, flip-flops. This is what Phil and I call a douchebag.
There are several varieties of women B&T’s, so it’s not worth getting into.
Of course, these people are the ones who make going out in Adams Morgan an absolute nightmare, as they’re starting fights, crowding the bars, trying to slip women narcotics in their drinks, standing in line for large slices of pizza, etc. A slightly older version of the douchebag crowd can be found in Georgetown. I have no way to prove this, but I truly suspect that the majority of these douchebags vote Republican. Republicans are the only people I have ever met who are as, if not more so, annoying than these B&T [EXPLICIT NOUN].
Now, these people are also the main cause of drunk driving, fights on the Metro, etc. And so, my friends, I propose that if one has an address in MD or VA, he be required to pass a test, to become licensed, before he may be allowed to drink in the District of Columbia. Here are some sample questions. A different test will be administered to men and women.
1. You are walking from the bar to your table. Someone bumps into you. The appropriate response is:
a. Walk on, and deliver your drinks to your friends. The bar is packed with B&T’s. Why wouldn’t someone accidentally bump into you?
b. In a very loud voice, say, “Well, excuse you!” and stare at said person pointedly.
c. Throw the drinks into the bumper’s face, start punching him and aggressively throw him through the window.
d. Permutation: do all. Deposit your friends’ drinks with them, keeping your own, and then proceed to beat the tar out of the bumper.
2. There is a gorgeous woman you want to go home with. The appropriate solution is:
a. Go talk to her and offer to buy her a drink.
b. Have a buddy of yours go talk to her buddies and gauge her interest.
c. Try and rub your body all over her while rap music plays on the speakers.
d. Put a pill of dubious manufacture into her pomegrenate martini. After all, it’ll knock out a horse, so why not a whore?
I’m sure that you can think of more questions for these idiots.
1. You are starting to feel a little bit woozy from having drunk too much. The proper course of action is:
a. Acquire a few glasses of ice water, and start whipping your friends to leave. It’s a long way back to Bethesda.
b. Drink more! After all, grasshoppers and Amaretto sours are just so yummy! And it’s nothing that a few hours of dancing on the table in your cute new shoes won’t fix!
c. Start crying. Everyone will pay attention to you. It’s worth making your mascara run to have everyone fawning over you.
d. Go stand in line for late night drunk food, proceed to scream, yell and throw tantrums while you wait for your slice of pizza, and make a bloody fool of yourself. After all, you’re in Washington, D.C.! How often does this happen? Monday through Friday, fifty weeks a year! This is so special! You’re a princess! You shouldn’t have to wait.
UGH. I cannot even continue thinking about the questions to ask these people, as they infuriate me that much. Please do leave a few of your own in the comments.
Anyway, the advantage to this is that you can automatically weed out any idiot and prevent him from drinking inside D.C., making the city livable again.Â And think about how many fewer drunk driving accidents there would be! Then again, I suppose that bars that make their money selling flavoured vodka martinis [sic] and proprietors of stores that sell shirts with collars designed to be popped would suffer. Oh well. Screw ’em.