So letâ€™s assume that you have some kind of professional job. Odds are that you donâ€™t, if youâ€™re reading this. You probably work on campaigns, attend graduate school or do something artistic. After all, youâ€™re my friend. Well, at least I hope that youâ€™re my friend. The odds of you reaching this page without being my friend are rather low. Well, you could be one of my detractors. Iâ€™m not terribly fond of you people, so letâ€™s not spend any more time thinking about you.
Anyway, letâ€™s get back on track. If you have some kind of professional job, and you run into the problem of being late in the morning because of the previous nightâ€™s bender, you have found the right guy to help you get out of that particular jam. What follows is my Four Point Plan to Get You To Work Without Being in Trouble.
First things first, wake up. This is more important, and not as obvious, as youâ€™d think. Not only does the rest of this material not apply if you donâ€™t wake up, but youâ€™re going to be in more trouble than youâ€™d be in otherwise. Believe me, you definitely want to wake up. Now that youâ€™re awake, do not go back to sleep. Going back to sleep will result in some serious problems. You really donâ€™t need what you think will be just another ten minutes as much as you need not to sleep for the next seven hours. Getting up at noon would be a real problem for you. Donâ€™t do that.
Get out of bed.
Look at the time. See exactly how late youâ€™re going to be. Proceed to panic for about thirty seconds to a minute. Go ahead, get it out of your system. Itâ€™s entirely necessary and quite worth it. After this short window of time is over, though, you now reach for the telephone and call your office. Tell them that youâ€™re going to be a little late and blame it on car problems. No one ever knows whether or not you own a car, much less, what would be wrong with it, and transportation problems are always perceived as legitimate and unavoidable. (Of course, you could always tell them that youâ€™re not feeling very well, that youâ€™ve had a touch of nausea, and that youâ€™ll be in a little late. When pressed, you can always blame it on the ubiquitous bug thatâ€™s going around. Trust me, thereâ€™s always a bug. I usually have it.)
This is a good idea. Itâ€™s far better to call in advance and tell them that youâ€™re going to be late than it is to try and sneak in. No matter how good you are, itâ€™s always a bad idea to try and get past the receptionist and get to your desk. Youâ€™ll be rather conspicuous. Come on, you have your briefcase and coat, and youâ€™re walking through the office. Thereâ€™s really only one place where you could be going: your desk, and late at that. Everyone knows it. Moreover, if youâ€™re the sort of person who gets bombarded by emails and calls all day long, people are going to notice that youâ€™re not responding, and maybe actually pop in to see whatâ€™s going on. They will see that youâ€™re not at your desk, and start making inquiries. In short, thereâ€™s really no way to sneak in without getting caught. Just call and tell them that youâ€™re going to be late.
This is absolutely critical. Itâ€™s amazing to me how many people skip this stage, and I have no idea why. Now that youâ€™ve established that youâ€™re going to be late, just go ahead and bathe. Not only should you bathe, you should brush your teeth, apply cologne, shave your face, comb your hair, etc. If youâ€™re already going to be late, itâ€™s just a question of degree at this point, and while I am very sympathetic to the idea that one should minimize the damage done, in this case, the twenty minutes that it takes you to cleanse yourself is entirely worth it. Thereâ€™s a very good reason that youâ€™re late. You were drinking alcoholic beverages in copious amounts last night, and no matter what excuse you may have given to your coworkers for your tardiness, thereâ€™s a very strong suspicion towards the back of everybodyâ€™s mind that this is the reason that youâ€™re late. Do not validate or confirm that suspicion by showing up smelling like the trashcan in the menâ€™s room of your favourite dive bar or looking like its contents.
Bite the bullet. Apologize once, and only once, to anyone whom youâ€™ve inconvenienced. Go check your bank balance. You may be buying lunches or coffees to compensate. Buying pastries for the staff is always a good way to do this. Just showing up with a box generally generates enough good will that your tardiness will be excused. Perhaps, if youâ€™re lucky, this will be your excuse to go talk to that brunette in the office by your friend of a friend of a friend with whom you once discussed a baseball game while drunk at an office party. Making that work, however, is the subject of a different advisory email.
As someone who frequently does this, Iâ€™ve had no problems when using this protocol. I hope that itâ€™s of help.