Once again, dear readers, today’s humour update is courtesy of my dear friend, Erik Swedberg.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge
fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be
there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the game, and you’re even around at the
holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us
when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m . Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce,
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the
3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4.
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3.
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.